I Survived Graduate School!

Hi readers! It’s been too long since I’ve posted something on this website! I feel a little guilty for not uploading content regularly this past year, but life sometimes gets in the way of keeping up with side projects. However, even though this past year has been excruciatingly busy, it has also been one of the most rewarding years of my academic career.

One of the most exciting things to happen this year only occurred about three weeks ago: I successfully defended my dissertation and officially became Dr. Matos! This is the primary reason I haven’t been updating this website. Writing the dissertation was an interesting journey, and while it feels immensely satisfying to have completed the project, I wasn’t quite ready for the emotional and intellectual weight of writing a 300-page book. When I first began my project, I had envisioned a more comparative study in which I established the parallels between an archive of queer literature written for adult audiences, and an archive of queer literature written for adolescent readers. However, the project transformed into an in-depth analysis of young adult queer literature, focusing on the narrative and affective dimensions of this genre in works published in the twenty-first century. This was the first thing that I was not prepared for: the dissertation is not a stable project. The more you write, the more the project changes. Part of this has to do with the fact that you’re constantly learning new things as you read and write. You could have two chapters written, and suddenly you come up with an idea that alters the scope of your entire project (this is both thrilling and terrifying).

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This was basically my reaction to successfully defending my dissertation. This plus tears. Many, many tears.

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After years of research and writing, I completed the final draft of my project, which I decided to title Feeling Infinite: Affect, Genre, and Narrative in Young Adult Queer Literature (a nod to one of my favorite young adult novels of all time, Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower). This project explores how young adult queer novels written in the twenty-first century conciliate the tension that exists between the negative affect commonly associated with the queer literary archive, and the positive affect that readers often associate with young adult literature. In dealing with this tension, I also explore the ways in which the positive affect of young adult literature could lead to innovative and fresh ways of thinking about queer literature and culture. Rather than approaching young adult fiction as a straightforward and simplistic genre, one of my aims was to show the extent to which young adult queer texts can be multi-layered, rich, and complex—and how through this complexity, these novels are able to represent the association between positive affect and queerness in unprecedented ways.

Drawing from research in young adult literature and queer literature, and from queer theory, affect theory, and narratology, I analyzed, deconstructed, and conducted reparative readings of novels ranging from more realistic, historically based genres to more fantastical, speculative genres, including the young adult historical novel, contemporary realism, magical realism, and dystopian literature. Each chapter in my investigation can be approached as a case study, in which I explore the particular ways in which a subgenre of young adult queer literature navigates the tension between queer negativity and the positive affect of young adult literature, and the ways in which positive affect provides readers with the tools to conduct a reparative reading that ameliorates the tension between a damaged queer past, a still damaged present, and a distant yet imaginable utopic future.

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As the cliché goes: “The best dissertation is a done dissertation.”

Besides becoming a doctor, something else incredibly exciting happened: I GOT A POSTDOCTORAL FELLOWSHIP! As of July 2016, I will officially be a Consortium for Faculty Diversity Postdoctoral Fellow at Bowdoin College (Maine, U.S.A.). I can’t even begin to express how excited I am about this opportunity. While at Bowdoin, I will work on turning my dissertation into a book manuscript, and I’ll also teach some really fun and exciting courses. This fall, for instance, I’m teaching a first-year seminar on young adult speculative fiction entitled (Im)Possible Lives, where students and I will determine how authors construct hypothetical settings, and even more important, how authors use speculative fiction as a way of exploring notions of life, identity, and livability (I will upload a version of my syllabus in July or August). I absolutely fell in love with Bowdoin during my campus interview. The college is beautiful, my future colleagues in the English department were incredibly warm and intelligent, and (cue the sappy music) I think I will grow a lot as a person and as a scholar during my time there.

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I’m pretty stoked about joining the Bowdoin polar bears next semester!

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It was not easy applying to countless jobs on top of trying to finish my dissertation. Things ended up working out in the end, but the levels of stress and panic that I have experienced over the past year were unprecedented. Part of this has to do with the uncertainty of it all, and the fact that obtaining a job in academia mostly comes down to luck. As a graduate student, you try your best to professionalize and turn into a full-fledged scholar who develops important and original research, and who possesses the ability to disseminate this knowledge via teaching and academic writing. However, the effort that you put into research, teaching, and professionalization doesn’t always lead to a job in academia. I’ve heard horror stories of brilliant scholars who were in the job market for eight years before landing a tenure-track job. You could be an amazing and groundbreaking scholar, but landing a job depends on so many factors that are out of your control: department need, university politics, chemistry with other faculty members, and the viability of the market, among others. Applying to jobs was just like applying to graduate school all over again: a shot in the dark.

In the midst of job applications and chapter revisions, it became incredibly difficult to sleep, I would sometimes go through bouts of depression, and at times, I went through terrible periods of writer’s block. Even after having defended the dissertation, I still have many vivid dreams about failure. Part of the reason I experienced these things has to do with the nature of what I study. By immersing myself into queer literature and queer studies, I had to read a lot about the devastating effects of AIDS in the mid-1980s, anti-gay violence, suicide, and other events that are anything but cheery. This, in combination with the pressures of graduate school, was not a very productive combination (to say the least). It’s so difficult to realize that something that you love usually possesses the potential to hurt you, or to make life tougher than it already is.

I survived graduate school.  I won’t lie: it was rough, and I wish I were somehow more prepared for the psychological effects of graduate study. I’m glad, however, that people are starting to have conversations about these psychological effects. I remember people telling me: “why are you letting books affect you this way?” Every time, I couldn’t help but think: books are my world. Books were and continue to be pivotal in shaping who I am, and part of the reason I did my Ph.D. in English was because I believe, and know, that books possess the potential to change people, and to cultivate new and exciting ideas. This helped to push me through graduate school. There were also other things that helped me push through: a generous and caring dissertation committee, a supportive network of friends, family, and colleagues, hobbies and activities that are not related in any way to my work, and learning how to talk about my fears and anxieties (and when to ignore them).

Things will still be busy next year, but unlike before, I feel more prepared for what’s to come. That being said, I plan on being more active on this website in the future. I hope to share more books reviews and analyses (there have been SO MANY amazing books published this last year) and I also hope to share more syllabi and class activities.

I wasn’t able to walk for graduation this May because I defended my dissertation during the last week of April (May graduates were supposed to defend during the first couple weeks of April in order to walk). However, I’m looking forward to returning to Notre Dame in May 2017 in order to wear a fancy robe and finalize my strange, stressful, but utterly delightful time in graduate school. It has been one hell of a ride, and I’m excited about the bigger, faster, scarier, more thrilling rides that are yet to come.

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via GIPHY